I'm about to decamp to escort two 13-year-old girls--one of them my own spawn, gone terribly wrong--to a somebody/something called a 'Katy Perry movie,' at which I expect deification rites to be performed by the adolescent collectivity, in preparation for the former's Ascension.
Pray for me. And if there's a God in heaven, He'll afflict and thereby bless me with some impermanent form of paralytic coma, post-ticket purchase yet pre-show. If He doesn't, the "movie" will.
Update: I chickened out.
My faith in the Almighty and fresh miracles is that weak.
With cowardly trepidation but Machiavellian foresight, I stowed a Shakespeare play in my back pocket, dropped the girls off at the theatre and fled to the farthest oil-change shop, where, for once, I begged them to take their bloody time.
I later atoned for my unfatherly sin of brutal indifference, however, by taking my daughter to the mall, where she invested in a Harry Stiles! beanie (with my debit card).
Post-upped update: No, I can't let it pass. A kind reader gently corrected my misspelling of "Styles," above, and I promptly promised myself a dose of Mitt Romney's wei wu, or wei wu wei, management Style (translated loosely as "not doing" and "doing by not doing," respectively), and leaving it be. But just knowing of this thoughtless transgression committed against the One-Directional pop culture so beloved by my daughter causes me, after all, to submit this corrigendum.
Dear God, man, did you remember to bring earplugs? Else the shrieking will deafen you.
Anxiously awaiting proof of your survival!
Posted by: Janicket | July 16, 2012 at 10:19 AM
You are not alone. You've never been alone: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M4SmQ9RLOWc
Posted by: Peter G | July 16, 2012 at 10:21 AM
I've done quite a bit of work with Capitol Records over the last 10 years. My takeaway is that Katy Perry is one of the more intelligent and talented of the latest crop.
Not to say that you'll enjoy the movie, but keep in mind that your daughter could have picked much worse role models.
Posted by: William Caulfield | July 16, 2012 at 10:24 AM
I'm with janicket. Please call to let us know you're safe.
Posted by: You Don't Say | July 16, 2012 at 10:28 AM
If you need help with the whole coma thing, I can lend you a volume of the Wit and Wisdom of Comrade Mitt Romney: Collected Speeches vol II (2008-2012).
Posted by: NickT | July 16, 2012 at 10:35 AM
Who will be taking over your blog after the mercy killing?
Posted by: Robert Lipscomb | July 16, 2012 at 12:17 PM
I took my 13yr old daughter and a friend to Katy Perry last week. I am a music snob of the first order, but I get Katy Perry...a couple of cuts above Beiber, and the new crop of boy bands.
Go see the new Neil Young movie or Wilco's "I am trying to break your heart" to get your sanity back.
Posted by: Buzz Nutter | July 16, 2012 at 03:39 PM
You're a wise, wise man, sir.
But we already knew that.
Posted by: Janicket | July 16, 2012 at 04:39 PM
You retroactively resigned from your post as CEO of Carpenter Enterprises?
Posted by: NickT | July 16, 2012 at 04:41 PM
I'll bet it was King Lear. And if your daughter resembles you at all, you have but one Cordelia. And no Regans about the house.
Posted by: Peter G | July 16, 2012 at 05:59 PM
A house is always happier without too many Reagans lurking about....
Posted by: NickT | July 16, 2012 at 08:36 PM
Glad to hear you survived! If you think you're worried now, just wait until she starts driving!
Posted by: majii | July 16, 2012 at 09:19 PM