I've read some awesome retirement announcements in my time, but that of Michigan's Mike Rogers--chairman of the House Intelligence Committee, Sunday talk-show hobbyist, and diviner of proofless foreign conspiracies--is unquestionably the awesomest yet.
Rogers is moving on and up to the fluffy, remunerative frequencies of Cumulus talk radio, but he wants us to know that ...
As I close this chapter ... I am not finished with the effort to bring back American 'exceptionalism.' Not in the sense of a great notion, but in the sense of impacting the hopes and dreams of a great nation and her people.
Wow, that's no retirement--it's a freaking metamorphosis, indeed a preternatural transcendence to the either Godly or unGodly work (depending on how Calvinistic one's spiritual views are) of demanding national grace from the heavenly powers that be.
This imminently former Republican congressman will take to the air and, in disembodied voice, labor Noah-like to "bring back" our sacred covenant of American exceptionalism. Such blessings have conventionally been thought to be granted through good and gentle works rather than aggressively grabbed, but it seems Rogers has discovered a shortcut, via a lucrative radio contract.
Whither exceptionalism went, no one knows. But for damn sure Rogers's congregation will know who took it, and our budding radio host will have only two years left to exploit some of that old-time, antediluvian self-righteousness.
How will Rogers restore our national consecration? Well, as he said in his semi-retirement announcement, he plans on "impacting" our hopes and dreams--not, mind you, "in the sense of a great notion, but in the sense" of impact.
Anybody out there know just what in God's name that incoherent jambalaya means?