The BBC asked Donald Rumsfeld this week “whether the security situation in Iraq had improved.” Our American wordsmith and master logician answered: “Statistically, no.”
Statistically. I like that. What rosy spin.
And we can put it to good use in improving the quality of our own lives, at least superficially, theoretically, euphemistically, hypothetically and ambiguously, which are Rumsfeldian sub-spins filed under “See statistically.” For instance I asked myself last night whether my financial situation has improved. Statistically, no, I was sad to answer; but the qualification must mean it has improved in some way. I haven’t the foggiest what it is, but it’s nice to think it’s on the upswing.
Which is precisely the kind of ethereal nonsense that Rumsfeld wants you to think when he proffers inanities like, “Statistically, no,” security hasn’t improved in Iraq. He might as well have said, “Statistically, your odds of getting your head blown off are just as good today as yesterday. But other than that inconvenience, the security situation is thumbs up. It’s a big-picture thing.”
Right after reading the Rumsfeld piece I read a NYT story about the troubles taking place in one of Donald’s real showcases, a medium-sized town located in northwestern Iraq by the name of Tal Afar. Statistically speaking, and in every other nasty adverbial way, it’s a basket case, just as Rumsfeld intentionally unintended not to non-indicate.
The journalist on the scene described Tal Afar as “a ghost town of terrorized residents afraid to open their stores, walk the streets or send their children to school.” Luckily for the defense secretary, it’s impossible to calculate the “metrics” -- a favored buzzword of military brass and comfortable, secure bureaucrats like Rumsfeld -- of the terror experienced by an entire town.
It’s difficult for an outsider to comprehend just how paralyzed the town’s residents must feel. An estimated 500 insurgents roam Tal Afar, doing so with free rein since the town’s police force withered some time ago to nearly nothing. The remaining cops spend most of their time hiding. Consequently “thoroughfares lined with stores have been deserted, the storefronts covered with blue metal roll-down gates.”
It’s also difficult to understand how these gated stores manage to stay open for business at all, since, as one of Tal Afar’s 82 tribal leaders said, “Anyone not helping the terrorists can’t leave their homes because they will be kidnapped and the terrorists will demand money or weapons or make them join them to kill people. If they refuse they will chop their heads off.”
Commerce may be dead, but home schooling is on the rise, principally because of some rather keen motivational skills possessed by insurgents. One mother of six told the Times she now educates her children herself because of a warning sign posted at the local school: “If you love your children, you won’t send them to school here because we will kill them.”
More than one local sheik supports a Falluja-style assault on the insurgents, but American forces are saying no dice. “The bloodshed, destruction of property and alienation of the Iraqi public is too high a price to pay, they say.” Besides, after building up their assault forces, U.S. commanders would then be forced to cover other hotspots after “winning” in Tal Afar -- only to have the insurgents flood right back in.
In the BBC interview Rumsfeld added, in his own inimitable way, that Syria is being uncooperative “with respect to the insurgency,” but “with respect to an effort to try to influence what’s taking place, Iran is doing that.” Well, Mr. Secretary, with respect to those astute observations, didn’t millions predict precisely that?
Statistically, yes.
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