Mr. Rove’s famous speech redelivered, moments after his icy veins are injected with industrial-strength truth serum.
Conservatives saw the savagery of 9/11 in the attacks and prepared for war; liberals saw the savagery of the 9/11 attacks and wanted to prepare indictments and offer therapy and understanding for our attackers.
Ah, that’s not right. I feel odd. Gee, I almost feel … like … telling the … truth.
Let’s try that again, folks. Strike the other. Here’s what pretty much went down …
Conservatives saw the savagery of 9/11 in the attacks and prepared for the greatest propaganda blitz in political history. Liberals saw the savagery of the 9/11 attacks and foolishly let us take advantage of it.
Conservatives saw the savagery of 9/11 and promptly prepared to invade the wrong country. Liberals saw the savagery of the 9/11 attacks and cowered themselves into permitting it.
Conservatives saw the savagery of 9/11 and prepared for reciprocal savagery -- innocent men, women and children, made no difference to us, just like the 9/11 skunks. Liberals saw the savagery of the 9/11 attacks and wanted to prepare for a more intelligent “war on terrorism,” starting with the understanding that the mobilization of men and hardware against a nebulous tactic, an amorphous concept, is a waste of men and hardware -- and devastating to innocents and our national honor.
Conservatives saw the savagery of 9/11 and prepared for some badly needed image-polishing of the biggest loser ever to sit in the White House. Liberals saw the savagery of the 9/11 attacks and had a helluva time trying to contain their laughter at photo-ops of our chief chickenhawk trying to look tough.
Conservatives saw the savagery of 9/11 and prepared to bribe global friends into supporting our Iraq scheme to give us political cover. Liberals saw the savagery of the 9/11 attacks and saw that Iraq was already contained by the coalition of the willing, known as the United Nations.
Conservatives saw the savagery of 9/11 and then trashed the greatest supply of global good will this nation has ever witnessed. Liberals saw the savagery of the 9/11 attacks and hoped to use this good will to the nation’s advantage.
Conservatives saw the savagery of 9/11 and soon phonied up all kinds of crapola as to our motivations and justifications for invading Iraq. Liberals saw the savagery of the 9/11 attacks and kidded themselves into buying it.
Conservatives saw the savagery of 9/11 and prepared not one whit for Iraq’s post-invasion phase. Liberals saw the savagery of the 9/11 attacks and wanted to know how in God’s name the neocons could have been so stupid.
Conservatives saw the savagery of 9/11 and prepared to create a new, improved, and much larger terrorist magnet and training ground in the Middle East. Liberals saw the savagery of the 9/11 attacks and saw the deadly counterproductivity of our efforts.
Conservatives saw the savagery of 9/11 and declared war on domestic dissent. Liberals saw the savagery of the 9/11 attacks and saw the evil that intolerance reaps.
And finally, folks, conservatives saw the savagery of 9/11 and prepared to cover up our almost incomprehensible incompetence in ignoring what top counterterrorism experts had been trying to tell us. Liberals saw the savagery of the 9/11 attacks and wanted to prepare indictments and offer anything but therapy and understanding for us, the conservatives, the clowns who brought you the Iraq insanity.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. We couldn’t have done it without you. Ain’t it amazing how we’ve gotten away with so much for so long?
Well, gotta run. Have to call my defense lawyer.