Either the unctuous Mike Huckabee is tremendously undisciplined or his internal polling shows him slipping in Iowa to the equally oleaginous Mitt Romney. For Mike has gone negative, against all promises. Big time. And with real flair.
A horse race is what these preliminary spectacles are commonly called. But the one in Iowa is no longer branded by the noble equine; it is, I am delighted to pass along, merely that of a greased-pig race.
The two gubernatorial Holy Men have been kicking, squealing and spinning in the mud, but each is so lathered by the slipperiest of genuine insincerity, neither has been able to execute a full Nelson.
Till now.
The Huckster finally pulled it off, although in truth he pinned himself -- not Romney -- and for that he gets even more points.
What in Huckabee's God's name am I talking about?
Well, it's certainly not the Arkansas governor's recent deployment of garden-variety negative campaigning, whose accepted premise is that a candidate verbally assaults his chief opponent at every turn for being so dang negative all the time. Or, as Mr. Huckabee reframed the paradox: "Every Iowa voter is being bombarded with nasty and negative attack ads that are just absolutely untrue, and I feel that I have to set the record straight. All I’m trying to do is make sure the issues are framed in the proper context, and I don’t think it’s a matter of trying to be negative at all."
And that's when an aide slips the note: "Insert knife now." Which Mike promptly does, leaving blood all over the floor. One classic thrusting maneuver is his offensive defense of his own pardons-gone-wild record, in which he tells "the story of a decorated Iraq war veteran, Anthony Circosta, who could not get a job as a police officer [in Massachusetts] because of a blot on his record for harmlessly shooting another boy with a BB gun at age 13."
Says Mike of this immense human tragedy: "Mitt Romney twice said no because Mitt Romney wants to brag that he never ever gave a pardon. I wouldn’t be bragging about not giving a decorated soldier a chance to become a police officer."
Ouch. A blistering twofer. Not only is Mitt anti-soldier, he's anti-cop to boot, which surely gets the patriotic, law-and-order blood of Republicans everywhere boiling. But heaven forfend that you read anything negative into that. Mike is a Man of God, and he wouldn't manipulate your emotions; nor would he ever cast the first stone; nor would he ever engage in "tearing each other down," as his latest TV ad shrinks from in pious horror.
But so much for such pedestrian hypocrisy. What, pray tell, constituted Huckabee's match-winning Nelson?
Well, forget horses and forget pigs. This one has something of the canine in it -- something along the lines of an offspring of Checkers or Fala.
As you have no doubt heard, Mr. Romney has had less than glowing things to say about John McCain lately; ever since, that is, John started crawling up Mitt's skirt in New Hampshire and pounding him where it hurts. And to the rescue has come ... Mr. Huckabee.
"It is enough to attack me" (and his poor little dog, too?), said the indignant governor in the senator's defense. "But now to attack John McCain" -- "an honorable, decent, true-to-heaven American." And Mike said this presumably without giggling or gagging.
If that sort of maudlin, wholly self-interested friendship of the enemy of one's enemy -- complete with angels soaring betwixt high-flying American flags -- doesn't make you smile in admiration of the greasiest pig of the litter, then you're love of our nation's political swill has faded beyond retrieval.
In fact I salute Mike Huckabee, for he's showing us that the game really can't be played except in the rubbish of genuine insincerity and chronic hypocrisy.
Oh, how I pray that Mike goes all the way. But my money is still on McCain by default, for his more porcine compadres are oinkingly clearing his path.
PM,
It is almost comical to see the depths the Repugs have fallen into in an attempt to find an acceptable candidate. If there ever was a litmus test for sleaze bags this contest would be the standard to compare to. Ron Paul might be certifiably loony, but what you see is what you'll get, and that is somewhat refreshing these days. It sure is fun watching the rest demonize each other.
Posted by: Hotrod | December 30, 2007 at 12:17 PM
I keep hearing about how honest John McCain is. Doesn't anyone remember the Keating 5? Also he could come clean about who he works for. For instance he could spill the beans about how he escorted Schwarzenegger to England on a government jet to be interviewed by the Rothschilds to get approval to run for governator.
Posted by: bonanzaman | December 30, 2007 at 12:43 PM
I was enjoying your post up until you had to smear Ron Paul by stating he "might be certifiably loony".
Ron Paul is the only sane candidate running for President, all the others are nothing more that different sides of the same coin.
Posted by: Rudy | December 30, 2007 at 02:38 PM
Hotrod:
Why is Ron Paul "certifiably loony?"
Are you the official who certifies loonies?
Or are you just "certifiably loony" yourself?
Maybe you just hate that document called the Constitution.
People take oaths to defend it. Ron Paul is one of few who has the integrity to do so.
Posted by: Ivy Mike | December 30, 2007 at 02:52 PM
Hello all my fellow Huckabee fans! Boy have I found a great bunch of fellas to have fun with! My girl friends agree.We have been partying with some very generous Republicins that love Mike Huckabee. We are a group of five cute lady dancers who lap dance and jump out of cakes at Republicin partys for donations. Thats were the moneys at. We are committed to Mike Huckabee for president and donate 40% of all cash to his cause. Since we get paid in cash, we don’t gotta pay no taxes, but we as a group feel that out of patriotic pride and stuff, we hafta donate arond 40% or theres abouts cause thats what the government grabs anyhows, so we’d rather choose where our money goes and so we picked Mike Huckabee so our mothers could be proud of us and stop looking down on us. Jesus H. Christ, ya think they would be glad we got decent jobs.
Theys five of us all put together. Theys Bubbles, who’s a blonde real sexy bombshell (and a real blonde), and theys Ginger Snap, shes the redheaded tart fellas. Theys Fluffy Buffy -she’s the twin sister to Bubbles but has dyed blonde hair and a plastic surgery (you know what I mean!). Then theys Trixie Belvedere. Shes a sultry brunet that pouts alot cause she aint blonde!
And last fellas - TADA! theys me. I’m Foxy FiFi. I’m just an average curvy and an above average stacked girl with long brown hair and a lot of brains, and I got it were it counts and I ain’t shamed ta show it to ya.
Any hows, I’m from Newville,PA. and my church is the one with the snakes. I left town and I confess I stole one of the churchs snakes. My very first show business act was a dance naked with that holy snake until the sucker bit me and I got real sick.
Any hows I’m so glad to be accepted into your Huckabee political group. What a kick it is being political and all that. It’s a blast being one of you normal consirvivtve folks. Thank ya all for xceptin us and may B.Jesus bless ya ervery one.
Posted by: Foxy FiFi | December 30, 2007 at 03:00 PM
Ivy Mike: The comment about Ron Paul was not part of the post, but a comment submitted by a reader, and evenly balanced between a complement and a slur. Its impossible to be "certifiably loony" because insanity is subjective, and the diagnosis thereof is made on the subjective accord of individuals - there is no hard metric to certify against. That said, I think Ron Paul is pretty damn reasonable, and since he's not doing this political dance the rest of them seem compelled to, his foward momentum might just carry him to the nomination.
Posted by: Patrick | December 30, 2007 at 03:11 PM
Huckabee should be disqualified on his name alone.
"Certifiably Looney" is a meme attached to Ron Paul, created by the silent hand and fed into the stream of mainstream media, the neo-X blogs etc.
Remember 'Governor Moonbeam'?
Well 'Dr. No' didn't quite do the trick so now we'll see things like 'Fruitcake' and 'Gooney Bird' attached to Paul's name in the hope that his anti-imperialist message is ignored and marginalized. Its happening now and should be corrected wherever it turns up.
Posted by: PoliticalSpazz | December 30, 2007 at 05:04 PM
Obviously Huckabee is the only true choice for the christian conservative GOP voter. To vote for any other is to tempt the fires of hell and to invite pillars of divine vengeance upon oneself.
Huck said it himself that he tossed the loaves and back came lots of fishes. He doesn't need "voters", or "money", or even "support". With Jesus on his side he can smite the unbelievers with his wisdom and make America what it used to be...full of witch burners which is a good thing, as the witch count has gotten out of hand and pagan lesbian liberal socialized medicine loving mountain worshippers are turning our fair nation into a mini-europe.
Posted by: Monkey Man | December 30, 2007 at 08:28 PM
Ron Paul is the only non loony among the Republicans _(and almost all the Democrats) He talks straight and the fact that I don't agree with everything he says gives me hope. He actually states beliefs and plans. I am so sick of the slick, lying, false, unethical , inauthentic horde of politicians that I could cry. I will write in Ron Paul if I have to.
Posted by: Melissa | December 30, 2007 at 10:30 PM
A supporting message from Finland for your most truthful candidate Doctor Ron Paul.
Posted by: Matti Nieminen | December 31, 2007 at 01:56 AM
I only wish that Ron Paul would change his position on evolution. Why not say, "God created evolution!" He would then have all of the bases covered for the, "Ron Paul Revolution!".
Posted by: solar nano | December 31, 2007 at 04:49 AM
Huckabee's candidacy tells a lot about the perspicacity of the citizens of this country; but then again, why be surprised? Look who we now have as president.
First election, shame on the supreme court, second election, shame on the people of this once moral country.
Posted by: Frank | December 31, 2007 at 09:19 AM
I've just got to say that Ron Paul isn't fooling this liberal voter. I was never fooled by that "maverick" John McCain either. I think a President Ron Paul would be like another radical Bush-type to the power of 2 with his tax cuts and deregulation plans for my country. These so-called solutions have now become demonstratively wrong in the collective American mindset so why should we vote for those failed Republican strategies again. Ron Paul is just another Texas Republican mistake we don't need to make again. Here's what will happen with Ron Paul. He won't get the Republican nomination, which he is only reluctantly allowed to compete in. He will become another 3rd party vote spoiler like Ralph Nader. Then he will draw on and divide the liberal votes who might even find Hillary Clinton too distasteful to vote for, and our next President will be Republican Giuliani. I hope I'm not right, but I was jokingly calling Giuliani our next President when he kept showing up on the TV on 9/11/2001. I'm not a pessimist, I'm just right all the time.
Posted by: Davol | December 31, 2007 at 11:11 AM
The cheney/bush mob were to stupid to make money without blowing up buildings in their own country. Once you accept their willingness to commit treason and mass-murder of Americans in order to insure their ability to make more money for their friends (and themselves of course) as fact,then it follows that all the money they have inarguably made for their friends has been bountiful and successful. Just take out the idea that this mob cares about the future of America or the success of the American citizen.Once you do that everything falls neatly into place.
Posted by: Jason | December 31, 2007 at 11:36 AM
This is the election that will prove that America has completely lost its sanity.
God help the world.
Posted by: ThomasMc | December 31, 2007 at 12:06 PM