I'll begin by saying I've no idea where to begin. But that's a beginning for this free-flow of consciousness, so I'll hang onto that raft and float with it.
This morning I left you a note, I'm "under the weather," might not return today. That was indeed one way of putting it. But you — and so many of you are loyal, longtime readers — deserve more than an idiom.
Spiritually, one might say, I'm busted. Wherever my spirit once lay, I'm lying in its ruins.
Freud wrote of the superego, a busy little thing managing one's affairs, mediating between ego and id. I'll substitute spirit for superego — and mine simply quit. The little fucker clocked out. Es ist kaput, in Siegmund's terms.
As was the case of his ego and id, my spirit — a concept I'm using only for moi; there's no advancing a psychological theory here — is that which hovers, oversees and guides mind and body. Should my enlivening spirit recklessly wander off or collapse inexplicably (I'll cut it some slack), the others are set adrift.
This is most unhealthy. No longer —switching now to Marx — is there a superstructure within, that indispensable, spiritual overlord and mover of mind and body. In its place there is rot, a necrosis that stealthily creeps into the once-happily nurtured intellect and physical person. They too are clocking out, leaving a profound disability to reign.
Should I ask, I'd be told my disease is clinically defined as depression. But ... Nein, Herr Doktor. That's treatable. I won't deny that condition, and I've just enough intellect left to have re-begun the ever-popular pills for it. That was essential, for my body is paying an extraordinarily high price for the psychic devastation. (See: "under the weather.")
No, Doctor, my condition is America's condition. Thirteen days ago its spirit clocked out — and that was no little fucker. Others would say soul. We haven't one any longer. We squandered it on a cheap demagogue who overtly promised the Constitution's immolation, the death of an American America.
Still unofficial, our soulless journey of (presumably) four years is nevertheless eating into millions of minds and bodies, those once dependent, as I was, on the guiding force behind Freud's id — the primitive and savage. Or do I project? One commentator noted that on the infamous Day After, the folks he passed on the city's sidewalks seemed unperturbed, unlike his 2016 experience.
The millions I write of, are they not distressed and broken? Or is the indifference they showed on the city's sidewalks a concealed reinvigoration of spirit? We shall overcome. I'm not "getting that," not sensing it. The savages now with the reins have for years been soulless; I suppose they always were. What I'm getting is that millions more have accepted the Devil's bargain.
Yet millions more means not all of us. That I reject. For Christ's sake I'm no martyr, dangling singularly on a cross of national soullessness. I'm but striving to regain my spirit, my soul, lest the inevitable for mind and body. Many, many others are battling the encroachment of this spiritless necrosis. I merely suffer with them.
I also stick my face on this page every day and write of politics. Not today. Maybe not tomorrow. The question is when; my answer can only be just as soon as I have recovered. My spirit, wherever it is, is temperamental — the disagreeable little fuck. It thinks it has a mind of its own. Well listen up, you — you're above that. You're above intellect and only somewhat familiar with body. And goddamnit we both need you back.
I think — and this is only my abandoned intellect speaking — I think my spirit may be off in search of a way forward. Where we have trod and now tread is unspeakably sick — thus useless as a template for writing. My body arises, painfully these days, whereupon my mind asks each morning, What is to be done? Not that old shit, for sure, is the echoing reply.
Nine years of my and a thousand other commentators' bashing of Trump, ridiculing of Trump and exposing his miasmic soullessness have accomplished only the blowback of his victoriousness. We influenced no one. We made the Devil a martyr. We put a .45 to our heads and blew away our entire raison d'être.
With it went my spiritual motivation to keep plugging, and that has racked mind and body. In correspondence this morning with my good friend, the Canadian poet Norm Sibum, I informed him of what I had resisted: the truth. I'm shot. Spent. Down. And by now he knows what that means. Elaboration not required.
I then made note of a possible post today, "a deeply personal" one, no usual politics, for we've seen the productivity of that route. Sibum replied: "You can't force it. Be patient with yourself. Tell your readers to be patient with you. In any case, I think a great many of us are in the same pickle: what the hell happened and where is this going?"
Precisely. But Sibum had unknowingly posted a piece this morning of great relevance to me, which I had just read and promptly deemed brilliant. He penned this masterpiece at his site, Ephemeris, which only fools don't read. While lamenting political commentary as practiced, that where all the Trumpian "speciousness" and fraudulence of it overwhelms, my friend and outside observer reflected, "reason is better off vacating the field to joust another day."
Again, precisely. Sibum had pinpointed my affliction, in large part and from afar, with terrifying accuracy. Reason. What's the use? To quote myself, "Where we have trod and now tread is unspeakably sick — thus useless as a template for writing." This has haunted for days, eating at me; it crushed my spirit and moved on to the task of glacially destroying mind and body.
Nine years of reason invested in fighting this plague of madness – all of it only to culminate in the latter's re-enthronement. We fucked up, we "reasonable" commentators. Our weapon was a self-pointed .45 of rationality inveighing against what was so clearly insane, while all long the insanity was wielding howitzers and blowing away America's soul.
What is to be done, then? I've no offense but Reason. To forsake it as my intellect was forsaken by that which once guided it would be to forsake what I have, ever wanted to have. Until this ugliest of eras, Reason was king. Now it's a pathetic pauper, the lowliest of commoners.
You see the problem, just as you now understand my malady and grasp its hopelessness, or so it seems. But no I won't pull the trigger, not again. There must be some other path, along which can travel some sister variation of Pure Reason, itself "better off vacating the field to joust another day."
Hence I return to another self-quote: "I think — and this is only my abandoned intellect speaking — I think my spirit may be off in search of a way forward." I appreciate that hope is not a strategy. But, gentle reader, it has come to that.
I'm hoping my errant spirit is indeed out there somewhere, seeking that healthful, forward path. Perhaps I mistook its absence — crushed or not — as unconcern for my welfare. Should it drop by again — no, let's keep the faith — when it drops by again, you'll know it. Because I'll be here. My spiritual powers were once expeditious. We'll see if they regain their strength and speed soon. God I hope so.
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